Zooming Through Quarantine - May 2020

“We’re at day 50 of quarantine!” Wifey exclaims.

                “That’s insane,” I say.  “I’m so over 4th grade math. If I never see another mixed number equation or an improper fraction again in my life, I’d be a happy guy.”

                “So, how long has it been since Jane showered?” Wifey asks.

                “Not sure,” I respond. “I mean she doesn’t smell as much as Michael, so she doesn’t really need as much bathing, but wow… Um, I’m trying to remember.”

                “That’s true. Come to think of it, I think it’s been over a week.”

                “Yeah,” the realization dawns on me. “Wow, quarantine standards for hygiene are pretty low.”

                “So are the quarantine standards for haircuts.”

                “Are you talking about my work on Michael’s mullet or Jane’s diagonal bangs?”

                “A little of both, I guess.” Wifey laughs. “She insisted I cut 4 inches off, and now I know never to cut hair again.”

                Spending this much time at home has had its benefits too. We’ve got a pretty amazing start to our vegetable garden this year and have been ticking off our home project list with everyone getting involved and taking ownership. But the real eye-opener has been cooking. Early in the quarantine, we Netflix binge-watched the first season of Master Chef Junior as a family and ever since then, our meals have been getting progressively more creative and dare-I-say culinary. Jane has taken to “plating” with an artistic flare, Michael has even tried to replicate certain contest dishes for the show exactly, and we’ve only nearly blown up the house once, when they left the gas to the stove running.

                “I’m so sick of the kids trying to find my candy stash,” Wifey exclaims. “So sick that I hid it so well, that now I can’t find the damn thing.”

                “Really?” I ask.

                “Yeah, I have no idea. I think I even twisted my ankle looking for it when I fell backwards from the top shelf of the hall closet and landed on a ski boot.”

“Ouch. Want to go to the ER?” I laugh.

“I’m all good. No medical attention needed and now I’ve got a reason to put away the winter gear.”

The Zoom life has presented its challenges. Somehow, every Zoom call has at least one person who we either can’t see or can’t hear, and people have had unexpected interference by their children. It is cliché, but as soon as you get on a Zoom meeting it seems like your children suddenly need your attention and will go to great lengths to get it. Jane actually forcibly stuffed a pancake in Wifey’s mouth during a Zoom faculty meeting. I had Michael, post-shower, streak half-naked past my computer camera shouting, “OohGa… OohGa... OohGa...” That went over really well with my clients and was a great testimonial for my management skills. 

And then there’s Wifey’s Zoom Escobar karate and kickboxing classes that the kids drop in on and execute what can only be described as ninja-dancing in the background, while Wifey tries to get exercise and everyone else tries to keep a straight face. And once, no one could find Wifey for about an hour. Turns out she was hiding in her closet to Zoom with her classes.

Of course the kids have Zoom obligations too. Jane has her weekly gymnastics meetings at 9am, a time that has become the new “get-up-early” norm. Michael has been Zooming with his teacher and talking with his friends about how to spend the least amount of time on homework. It is entertaining to watch them interact with their friends, literally shouting at each other because they feel so far away.

                A couple final notes: thanks to all the local businesses that have stayed open and have been keeping us fed and connected. And a big thanks to all those who submitted artwork for our ONCE UPON A QUARANTINE children’s book. We’ve got a publisher at this point and are getting closer on layout and formatting. I’ll keep you posted as we get closer to an actual print edition.