Redefining Manhood - February 2020

I think quite a bit about what sort of people I’m raising, about who my kids will become and who I want them to be.

I recently read an article in the Atlantic magazine arguing that we need a new definition for manhood. That “now it’s time to rethink assumptions about how we raise boys.” In the article, Peggy Orenstein writes that while feminism, #metoo and women’s liberation have broadened the parameters in which women can find viable and socially accepted identities, the converse is true for men. She argues that what it means to be a man in America today is basically the same exact thing that it meant 50 years ago. We raise our boys to ‘suck it up,’ be assertive, isolated, and competitive, ‘don’t cry,’ and despite the backdrop of the #metoo movement, boys are trained to objectify women. This rigid and angry male caste has at least some causal relationship to the violence and pain that manifests itself in everything from school shootings to drug abuse to homelessness.

I agree with her central argument, that we do, as a society, need to broaden the spectrum of what it means to be a man, but I’m much more hopeful watching my son.

“Michael, I think your idea to take a few friends on a bigger adventure for your birthday is fine.”

“But Dad, I feel bad for the rest of the kids in my class. It’s not fair to them.”

“That’s big of you to say, Buddy, but I’m not taking 30 kids to Reno for Go-karting.”

“What do I do then?”

Eventually, Michael came up with the idea of giving everyone in his class an invitation to come “hang out” with him sometime. He wrote out a cool little note with Wifey’s phone number and a blank where each classmates name would go. After photocopying them, Wifey had some reservations.

“Michael, this is really great, but you are definitely signing us up for a lot of playdates here,” Wifey laughed. 

“Sorry, Mommy, we’ll try to do it groups.”

            My warped version of reality isn’t solely a product of my son’s altruism. It’s also attributable to where we live. When you choose to live in Tahoe, “poverty with a view,” as some locals refer to it, there are certain sacrifices and physical realities that bend gender roles. Women here are just tougher than most places. My 65-year-old recently widowed neighbor was out shoveling snow this past storm for my other neighbor, a 30-something guy, who threw out his back snowmobiling.    

            I’m lucky to have guy friends who are outside the standard norms for male identity and are OK with it. Dad as primary or coequal caregiver-housekeeper-grocery shopper is a pretty awesome reality that I see more and more. It has its perks too, as one friend says, “Hey, I drop the kids off and get a few hours to go play in the mountains.”

Personally, I’m proud to do dishes. I’m proud to cook meals. I’m proud to scrub toilets and clean my house, damnit. Why? Not just because of what it means to me, but because of what it models to my son.

Ultimately, Michael is a better person than I am. I never would have thought to empathize with my entire class of boys and girls and get everyone’s name spelled correctly, Michael surprised us yet again.

“Oh Mommy, I don’t think his parents speak English.” Michael said. “Can we change this one to Spanish?”

“Wow.” I said. “Do you think we should order a DNA test?”

“I’m pretty sure he’s ours.” Wifey smiled. We both look at him from a distance with a strange concoction of uncertainty and pride.

“What are you guys talking about?” Michael asked.

Peggy’s article concludes with the thesis that we need new “models of manhood that are neither ashamed nor regressive and that emphasize emotional flexibility—a hallmark of mental health.” Essentially, rather than shaming boys for being too aggressive, too mean, and too angry, we need to encourage connection to others without judgment.  

The best thing I can do for Michael is to nurture his innate compassionate sensibility, to encourage his thoughtfulness and to never tell him like I was told by countless coaches, peers, and role models to ‘suck it up’ and ‘be a man.’ Because what does that even mean? Certainly not what it used to.