Return of the Snowsnake - January 2019

“Do it, Dad!” Michael jeered from the back seat.

“Cross the Snowsnake,” said Jane.

“Oh no.”  I shook my head. “Not here, anyway. Did you see that Prius back there?”

“Yeah, he was like totally getting eaten,” said Jane.

“Nom… Myawm… Nom…” Michael pretended to chew a car and we all laughed.

“Why do we have a Snowsnake anyway?” asked Jane.

“That’s a darn good question, my Dear.” I answered.

Winter is back and the Snowsnake has returned once again from its summer slumber to occupy main street and to deliciously devour vehicles attempting an ill-fated breach.

Winter also brings the soul-extinguishing Meyers-chain-control-tourist-gauntlet, ensnaring our roads and our lives in a godless stream of red taillights. 

There has to be a better way to handle the huge influx of powder-chasing out-of-town passholders. There has to be a better way to handle snow. Like so many things these days, what we are doing is not sustainable and not a good use of our resources. 

Crazy idea #1: Tunnels.  When I was in Hokkaido, Japan for a ski trip, roads went through and not over, sometimes for miles at a time. It was less detrimental to wildlife and dramatically better for commuters. We need a hole, a big one at that, all the way from Meyers to Strawberry. And we need to figure out how to get Vail Resorts to pay for it.  They’re the ones bringing everyone in; therefore they should contribute to the solution.

Crazy idea #2: A Train. I commute about once a month to and from the bay area for my “real” job. When I can, which is about half the time, I use the Amtrak Connector Bus that picks up at the Y and then I transfer in Sacramento by just walking across the platform and hopping on a train. It costs me about what it does to drive. Other perks are that the bus actually has wood floors and tables with cupholders, I get work done, have a beer at the end of the day if I want, and it saves me the aggravation of sitting in traffic. It’s pretty great and all I lose is the autonomy of my vehicle.

Skiers who want to ride at Winter Park in Colorado often take the train from Denver which has its own tunnel through the Rockies and is part of Amtrak’s regular line. Maybe Vail would be interested in this option? Haha.

Crazy idea #3: Make Traffic Worse. Make South Lake a two-lane town in the winter. Push the snow to the side and plow out a designated pedestrian and bicycle lane.  We’d quite literally save millions, and in the process we’d piss off the visitors so badly that they may not come back. Wooo Hooo. Unless, of course, crazy idea #1 or #2 was also implemented. 

“Dad, I made up a song for the Snowsnake!” Jane announced. 

“Snowsnake, Snowsnake. She won’t eat candy bars.

Snowsnake, Snowsnake. Her favorite food is people and cars.”

And… in other family comedy:

“What is that horrendous noise?” I asked.

“That’s Michael,” Wifey responded. “He’s practicing to be a siren when he grows up.”

“Oh, I’ll make sure and tell his guidance counselor.”

And…

 “Drums! Wow! I got drums for Christmas!” Jane jumped up and down. “I know Santa forgot last year when I wanted them, but this time when I asked, he remembered.”

“Yup.” Wifey leaned over to me. “That Santa, I was hoping he could see it in his heart to keep forgetting.”

            And…

“Dad, I rode this ride at Gilroy Gardens that swings up and down. It’s called the Banana Split and when you’re like way up…” Michael lowered his voice. “Your peepee tingles.”

“Okay.” I raised my eyebrows.

“That doesn’t happen to girls, right?”

“Probably not.”